Ghoul Eats
by TehGiantGoblinNibbles
Summary: Kaneki gets invited to a date, and he learns a little bit more about how the Ghoul world works.


It was a dark night, one where the only light came from the street lamps and the full moon in the clear night sky. Kaneki Ken was walking the streets in the trendiest outfit he owned, which was essentially a black hoodie and jeans. He straightened out his eye patch and checked the time on his cellphone. It was eight o'clock exactly. "Shoot," he thought, "I don't want to be late for my date." He reached down into his pocket and got under a street lamp so he could better read the note in his hands. Kaneki read over every single word on the page again, still feeling as shocked and, in all honesty, a little excited as he did when he first read it. He found the letter in his locker at Anteiku just that morning. The envelope it was sealed in was entitled "To my Dearest Kaneki-kun." When he opened it he found it was covered in a pleasant perfume, it reminded Kaneki of fresh peaches. When Kaneki read the letter, this is what it said.

"To Kaneki, my sun and flame,

I don't know how to tell you this. I know I put on a front all the time and I act like I enjoy beating you up. But the honest truth is that…I'm secretly in love with you. I've loved and respected you for so long. I just never found the way to say it 'til now. I…I need you in my life. I just want to kiss you and to open my eyes and to see that beautiful blue eye and that dazzling red eye staring back at me. I'm not used to confessing like this or going out with anyone…but if you feel the same please meet me at the abandoned warehouse near the harbor at eight tonight. If not, I'll understand. No one as kind as you would like an ugly bitch like me anyway.

Hope I do see you though, Mon Amour

-Touka"

Kaneki wasn't sure how he felt about Touka yet. Granted, she was mean at times, but then again she was the only one who helped him in his time of need. She was rough, but deep down she seemed to really care about him. Plus she was a cute girl after all. Kaneki hadn't seen her at all during the day, apparently she was busy in her room upstairs studying for her tests. Kaneki hoped this wasn't some sick joke she and Nishiki were playing on him, but at the same time part of him couldn't believe that Touka was this effeminate. From the perfume to the description about his eyes to the French phrase for "My Love" at the end, Kaneki was happy yet couldn't believe it was real. He put the note back into his pocket and turned his gaze over to the abandoned warehouse. Kaneki felt himself swallowing and his hands were getting clammy. "Guess I better not keep her waiting," he thought.

Kaneki began to walk towards the warehouse. He climbed over the chain link fence and approached the large building. The warehouse was rusty and it looked like no one had been inside for years. Large wooden logs were left abandoned in the yard and there were even rusty chains left about. Seeing all the material needlessly laying around gave Kaneki an eerie feeling, it made him wonder why Touka picked this place to meet up. Kaneki then decided to head towards a regular door near the side of the warehouse. He twisted the door knob and the door swung open. He walked inside only to find the lights were already on. He looked around, more unused materials were here and there, but for the most part the warehouse was abandoned; that is, except for one figure sitting in a chair in the center of the warehouse. Kaneki could only see the figure from their back, but they had short blue hair and were wearing a lovely purple dress. Kaneki felt his heart skip a beat. Tentatively, he began to approach her. His heart was now racing and it felt like every step he took equated to a thousand pulses in his heart. He was now only a few feet from the woman sitting in the chair and he smelt the familiar scent of fresh peaches. Kaneki took a deep breath, then he began to reach out to the woman. "Um…hi, Touk—"

The woman launched from her seat with such force that she caused it to knock over. Kaneki took a step back. The woman quickly turned, revealing that she wasn't a woman at all. Kaneki's eyes began to widen in horror as he saw before him was not Touka, but the wicked Tsukiyama Shuu in a purple dress standing before him. "Bonsoir, lover boy," the Gourmet said with a smile as he licked his lips. Kaneki was paralyzed. He took a step back and withdrew his hand. "Ah…ah…AHHHH!" Kaneki screamed.

"Now now, don't scream so soon, lamb chop," Tsukiyama purred. "I've got a big night planned for the both of us, and I want to savior every scream you make."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kaneki yelled. "The letter said it was from Touka! It was _her_ signature and everything!" Kaneki pulled the note from out of his pocket. "I don't know how you even got into Anteiku!"

"Don't think so hard about it, I don't want you to blow a gasket in that yummy brain of yours."

Kaneki began looking through the letter paying close attention to every detail. He looked at Touka's signature, it was almost spot on. "By the way, _Mon Amour_, I hope you enjoy the parfum I coated my confession in. It hides the scent of the chloroform rather well, oui?"

"Chloro—" Kaneki then felt the letter being pushed into his face, being forced to breathe in the fumes. His legs grew weak and then suddenly he closed his eyes and lost consciousness.

When Kaneki awoke he felt cold metal on his bare back. He began to shake his head and open his eyes. His vision was blurry at first, he could only make out several obnoxious colors and he saw in front of him a blinding light. He shook his head even more, then realized that he was laying on a giant baking sheet. Then he realized he was naked. His arms and legs were handcuffed along with being naked, and a camera was pointing at him and a spot-light was shining down upon him. Kaneki felt his cheeks grow hot as he quickly rushed his hands down to cover his groin. He began looking around even more, and he realized that he was in something that looked like a TV kitchen set, but it was too dark to make anything out. He then looked back at the camera. It was a high grade studio camera, and at the moment it appeared to be not recording. Kaneki began to move his body, trying to get out. All he could remember was seeing Shuu's maniacal face stare at him, and that was all the incentive Kaneki needed to leave. He tried to get up, but he found his muscles were still too weak from the chloroform. As he began to shake and stir he realized that his eye patch was missing too. "Oh no," he thought. "This is bad! I don't know what Shuu is planning but if anyone sees whatever that camera picks up while I'm like this, not only will people see me naked but they'll also see that I'm ghoul. If any Doves watch this I'm done for!"

As Kaneki continued to struggle, a familiar scent began to fill his nose. It was the scent of fresh peaches. The lights in the studio began to turn on. Kaneki at first was blinded, but then he got his bearings. He really was on a TV kitchen set, with black and white tiles on the floor bright yellow walls behind the utilities. Kaneki faced forward and then realized that there wasn't only a camera staring at him, but an entire studio audience in masks. Kaneki assumed they were all ghouls, especially with the way some of them were licking their lips at him. Kaneki tried to inch away in an attempt to escape their gazes. Finally he felt a hand pull the chain connecting the cuffs on his hands. Kaneki looked up, and there were the perverted eyes of Tsukiyama Shuu. He was no longer wearing the dress, but rather his traditional purple suit outfit underneath an apron that said "French Kiss Le Gourmet."

"Bonjour, sleeping beauty," he said with a smile. "Do you enjoy our venue?"

"Shuu, you seriously need to st—" Before Kaneki could finish his sentence, Shuu shoved an apple in his mouth.

"Non non, lamp chop," he giggled. "You must be quiet for the next couple of minutes. You really should be thanking me. I'm about to not only make you a huge star, but also give you a death on screen to be remembered for ages."

"Death?!" Kaneki thought as he tried to spit out the apple. Shuu seemed to do a good job of cramming it down his jaw, and without the assistance of his hands it was harder than normal. Shuu then took the chains on Kaneki's arms and legs and lifted them up, forcing Kaneki's limbs into the air. A hook then descended down and Shuu placed the chains on it, keeping Kaneki's legs and arms in the air and leaving him completely immobile. His limbs were still weak and having them forced up didn't help matters at all. He tried to wiggle out, but it was pointless. He was completely trapped. By now all the lights on stage were on, and Shuu was walking over to a marble counter nearby another camera. He looked back at Kaneki and smiled.

"Don't be too shy, lamp chop," he grinned. "The camera only adds five pounds."

Kaneki felt his heart begin to race as he saw Shuu turn his head to the camera and the red light above it turned on. They were live. The audience began to cheer and cheesy music that sounded like it belonged on a 90s sitcom began to play. The words in the song were entirely French, but Kaneki knew it had something to do with eating people. Once the song ended Shuu raised his hands and the audience began to cheer.

"Bonjour, Mon'Amies!" he shouted. The audience cheered even more. Shuu basked in the glory for a second, closing his eyes and keeping his arms spread open. He then motioned the crowd to quiet down and then he continued. "Welcome back to our show, Ghoul Eats. The only show on the Ghoul Network that shows you how to mince and mash humans until they are magnifique! I am your host, Tsukiyama Shuu, but you all know me as Le Gourmet." Shuu then turned his head towards another camera. "On today's show I have a special dish to share with you all. He is a dish for the rare occasion. Let's say you want to prepare a special meal for a lonely night, or you have an important guest who wish to impress. What kind of meat do you use? Human? Ghoul? Well as the little girl from the taco shell commercial would say, 'Why not both?' Today, I present…a one-eye!"

The cameras turned and faced Kaneki. He felt his cheeks burning as he tried to spit out the apple again. Shuu walked over to him and pointed at his left eye. "This cutie here is a half-ling. He is not all ghoul, nor is he all human. However, he is all delicious!" The crowd ooo'd and ahh'd. Shuu then bent over and Kaneki could feel his breath on his ear.

"Now now, do not be so nervous, lamb chop. You are only naked after all." Kaneki tried to break free again, but to no avail. Shuu laughed, then looked back at the camera. "He is a feisty one, non? Well, I sure hope all of you at home are taking notes. Because once I prepare this delicious feast I won't be making another! This is a one-time special, so hit the record button and watch carefully."

Shuu then walked away from Kaneki and walked to behind a kitchen island. "But first a word from our sponsors." Shuu then bent down and picked up a box of cereal. "Today's episode is brought to you by Count Chocucard cereal. Count Chocucard, the only cereal that has that delicious chocolate taste but also has all the nutrition of a human being. Buy it today, or Alcuard will eat you!"

Kaneki realized that no one was paying attention to him at the moment, and it gave him the perfect opportunity to act. First he had to get the apple out of his mouth. It was shoved pretty deeply into his mouth, any further and it would be down his throat. What was even more unbearable was the fact that even though Kaneki knew it was an apple, it still tasted like hot vomit in his mouth. Kaneki had no choice. He focused, and then he began to sink his jaws deeper into the apple. The juices flowed into his mouth, it took all of his will power not to barf. Finally he managed to severe the apple into two, then he promptly spat out the rest onto the floor. He looked up at the cuffs.

"Looks like I've got no choice but to chew off my hands and legs like a trapped coyote," he thought. "It'll be hell, but then again there are a million ways I'd rather die than being this piece of trash's midnight snack." Kaneki started to chomp on his left arm. "Holy crap," he thought for a second. "I do taste delicious!"

He then felt a swift smack on his ass. Kaneki stopped chewing and looked over in horror at Shuu, who gave him a cheeky smile. "Naughty boy!" Shuu wagged his finger. "Would you look at that, lovelies? He's so yummy he wants to eat himself!" The audience began to laugh.

"Shuu why are you doing this?" Kaneki pleaded. "There has to be more to life than food for you."

"More to life than food?" Shuu gasped. "Why Kaneki, you ignorant hunk of man meat! Food is everything. The first rule of nature is eat or be eaten. It is what we need to survive, to live, to thrive, and to succeed. A man is only as good as his palate! Food is not only what makes life happen, it's what makes life worth living! Food is what you use to celebrate a huge achievement in your life like when you get good grades or finally earn your father's respect! Food is what comforts you during the hardships of life like when certain backstabbing bitches named Trevor leave you or when you lose your father's respect. Food is spicy and hot and cool and sweet and everything in between. Food is life! Food is love!"

Kaneki stared at him, and suddenly he thought, "He has the exact same way of thinking as a lonely fat person." Kaneki then stared in horror as Shuu got out a piece of rope, forced his mouth open, and tied it around Kaneki's mouth so he couldn't talk. "And you, dear lamp chop," Shuu whispered, "are the greatest love of my life."

"Now then!" Shuu quickly turned back to the cameras. "Where were we? Ah yes, preparation!" Shuu then went back to behind his counter. "There are many ways to properly prepare a Kaneki, and luckily for us I'm going to show you all the different ways to do it! Yes, with this single half-ling I shall show you multiple ways you can enjoy him. Much like the buffalo, I'll be sure to use every single part of him." Shuu gave a wink to the camera. "_Every_ part."

The audience started woo-ing, Kaneki wasn't sure if he was gagging because of the rope in his mouth or because he was so disgusted. Shuu then reached underneath the counter. "The first way to prepare a Kaneki is something I've learned by watching a certain American sow named Paula Deen work…deep fried!" Shuu lifted his hand triumphantly in the air, revealing a golden stick of butter. "We are going to be doing this to his arms and legs, as these shall be Kaneki wings! Served with extra spicy sauce with a secret ingredient in it." Shuu then walked over to Kaneki. "Let's begin the prep!" He then took the stick of butter, licked his lips, and began to rub the stick of butter all over Kaneki's arms and legs. Kaneki felt his skin crawl and knew that no amount of showers would ever make him feel clean again. Kaneki then heard Shuu begin to hum with delight, which made him feel like he needed to rinse his body in acid to get the filth off.

"Now normally butter isn't recommended for ghouls," Shuu said, his hands still at work buttering up Kaneki. "However I'm happy to tell you that all the ingredients we'll be using for prep are made using people. This butter is made with human bodily fluid."

Kaneki didn't want to know why the butter was still yellow. He tried to use the slickness of the butter to get himself out of the handcuffs, but Shuu apparently was clever enough to keep the butter away from his wrists and ankles. Then Shuu went back to the camera.

"I hope you enjoyed watching that as much as I enjoyed doing it." The audience cheered, Kaneki felt violated. "We'll add the crumbs in a second. But next we need to prep the torso, which shall be marinated in some of the finest human oils and barbeque sauce. That is something we'll be grilling."

Shuu then got out basting brush and two bottles. He then slowly covered the oil all over Kaneki's body, and then took the brush, dipped it in the sauce, and spread it all over. "Of course your body is hot enough already, Kaneki-kun." Kaneki felt numb at this point. Any outside observer in the audience could look upon his face and tell that he was the epitome of done. His arms and legs were all buttered, his torso was sauced up, what could possibly be next?

"Next," Shuu smiled at the camera, "we'll be making sausage."

Kaneki tried to bite off his own tongue. The rope in his mouth made it difficult to reach his tongue, but he was determined to die at this point. Kaneki was almost there, his tongue was in-between his teeth, when Shuu made a special announcement.

"And now, to help with the rest of the prep, here is fellow ghoul and celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay!" Kaneki froze and watched as a tall blonde haired British man walked up on set.

"Gourmet, how the bloody hell are ya?" Gordon Ramsey shook Shuu's hand and smiled for the camera. Kaneki stared in awe as the two stood together getting out condiments. The two then started talking about which condiments to use. "Now Gourmet," Ramsay began, "we are using the finest condiments available? I mean, I prefer my half-ling not to have the same flavor as a pig's taint."

Shuu froze for a second. "Je vous demande pardon?"

"Speak the king's English, wanker."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well aren't we both going to enjoy eating him?"

Shuu's eyes lit with anger. "Non non non! Kaneki is mine, he belongs to me!"

"You mean you plan on eating him all by yourself?!"

"Oui oui!"

"You greedy bastard! Then what's the point in me being here? I'll fry your ass like a Turkey on Christmas!"

"This is what I get for inviting an English pig to help!"

"Oh that's it…"

Shuu and Gordon Ramsay began a screaming match, with profanities in both English and French. Kaneki thought this would be a perfect distraction for him to off himself, when he heard a crash from up above. Everyone looked up, and flying down was Touka with her beautiful wing Kakune. She landed right in between Gordon Ramsay and Shuu.

"What the bloody fu—" was all Ramsay got out before Touka decapitated him. His head hit the floor, the audience began to panic and run away. Shuu took a step back. "Touka…mademoiselle what are you doing here?"

"I was just watching TV, when I suddenly saw you about to eat Kaneki…and I know you're behind my good dress going missing."

"Young lady, I have nothing to do with—" was all Shuu got out before Touka cut him in half. Shuu's body hit the ground. "Non…" were the last words he said. Touka then went over the Kaneki and untied the rope and broke the handcuffs on him. Kaneki rubbed his wrists and ankles, then looked up at Tohka. Tears rolled down Kaneki's eyes. "Thank you so much! I was ready to kill myself! I can't thank you enough, Tohka!"

"Well…" Tohka began to blush. "There is…one way you can repay me."

Kaneki began to blush as well. She wasn't acting like herself, and Kaneki began to suspect that maybe she did have feelings for him. "What is it? You name it and I'll do it! Anything."

"Can you put some clothes on? I can see your wiener."

Fin.


End file.
